My wonderful husband and I were so ready to be parents. We have a love story for the ages. We got married November 3, 2018, and wanted to be that couple that got pregnant on our honeymoon. So much so that we looked for a onesie at the Bahamas Sandals Resort gift shop so we could surprise our families at Christmas with an early pregnancy announcement.
Well, they didn’t have a onesie, and I was so disappointed. I guess we should have taken that as sign of what was to come.
From tracking ovulation to scheduling sex sessions as early as 2 months into our marriage, every time I felt a cramp or saw a dribble of blood was absolutely heart wrenching.
Another morning, another ovulation test.
Another fertile day, another scheduled sex session.
Another month, another negative pregnancy test.
Feet in the air afterwards, we tried it. Hips propped up on a stack of pillows, been there. Different positions, tried those too. Unexpected and badly-timed tears. Serious depression. Is there something wrong with me? Am I unable to carry a child?
I’m craving more chocolate than normal, could I be pregnant? Things smell different, maybe I’m pregnant? I better not have any wine, I might be pregnant. My period is supposed to start tomorrow but I have no signs, I MUST BE PREGNANT!
And I would rush to our bathroom cabinet to the stack of pregnancy tests and pee on the stick. Do you know how long and excruciating three minutes is? While I was waiting for the result, I would dream of how I would tell Brian we were going to be parents. I would think about how we would tell our family and friends, and how we could decorate the nursery and if I am pregnant now, nine months from now is August, so that means…
But then the 3 minutes were up and the test was negative and I was devastated.
This routine went on month after month. What were we doing wrong? Was I peeing on the stick wrong? Can you have sex WRONG? Other people get pregnant just by looking at each other. So why not us?
It got to the point where sex became a chore. Kind of like doing the dishes. We quickly became intimately disconnected. Why was it so hard for us to make a baby? We waited SO long to find one another, couldn't this just be easy?