• wannabe_mom

[2 Years Ago] The Day Our Hearts Broke

was it yesterday

or 25 years ago

it feels like both


This surgery would give us the answers we've been searching for–are we ever going to be able to have biological children?


time stopped

and flew

simultaneously


"I'm sorry, and there's no easy way to tell you this, but we looked in both and we didn't find any sperm."


hearts––broken

dreams––shattered

hope––gone


I'm pretty sure if you ever go to room 509 at UIHC, you'll find that piece of my heart I left there.


so much taken from us

then

....and....

now

 

Two years ago yesterday (August 13), we were in Iowa City for Brian's TESE surgery. TESE means Testicular Sperm Extraction and is just that: a surgical procedure where the surgery team removes tissue from the testicle and extracts any viable sperm cells to use for IVF.


You already know how this story ends.


Grief is excruciating.

There is no silver lining here.

No happily ever after.

It IS as bad as it looks–

What we lost that day can never be restored.


Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

 

Need to get caught up or a refresher? Here are some posts about that surgery, the devastating aftermath, Brian's perspective, a diagnosis, and a reflection after one year.


[Surgery Day] An all-inclusive view into that big day in August


[wannabe dad] Brian tells all: surgery day + recovery + emotions

Pop quiz! (& smiling sperm-shaped cupcake toppers & grief)

[Sertoli Cell-Only Syndrome] "You did everything you possibly could."


[wannabe dad] One year surgiversary... & the struggles that I face

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