dear baby m [I dream of you]
Here is another glimpse inside my heart. Someday I hope to share this blog with our children to let them know how much we loved them.... before they were even created. ❤️
dear baby m,
If you're reading this, I want you to know how much we love you. You are everything.
Your daddy woke up early and brought me Starbucks this morning because that's just what he does. You'll find that out soon enough.
As I sit here sipping my coffee, I dream about you.
I dream about your little toes and your curious eyes. I dream about your snuggles and giggles. I dream about holding you, watching you, teaching you.
I dream about your interactions with your grandparents and how much they will adore you. I dream about your personality and your smile. I wonder if your eyes will have the same tints of gold that mine do.
baby, I even dream about sleepless nights, stinky diapers and spit up on my shirt.
I long for these things. When I hear or read about moms complaining about the stress of getting children ready for school, juggling a new baby and a full-time job, cleaning up a full diaper blowout in the Target bathroom––I can't help but think about how lucky and blessed they are.
My heart breaks that you're not here yet.
It breaks with every negative pregnancy test. It breaks with every flush of rude reminders that yet another cycle failed. It breaks every time I tell a loved one or a friend that you don't exist yet. It breaks when I wake up in the morning and realize the actual dreams I had that night were only dreams.
My heart will always be scarred. It will always be different than it used to be. But when you arrive, it will be light again. It will be happy again.
I know this for a fact.
There are times when I think you're here. When I think you're in my womb, being fearfully and wonderfully made by God. And when these minutes or hours or sometimes even days occur, my heart is lighter, my smile is genuine and, for the first time in a long time, I feel excitement.
I can only imagine what it will feel like when you are actually on your way.
I long for that day, baby m.
If you're reading this, I want you to know how wanted, loved and absolutely cherished you are.