dear baby m,
i took another test today
to see if you’re really gone
because maybe the doctors and nurses…
maybe they got it wrong
i haven’t seen your exit
or physically felt the truth
they say my hCG decreased
but i need to see some proof
the days, they run together
i’m neither here nor there
the nights, they’re endless nothings
ensnared in desperate prayer
it’s ambiguous
indefinite
undefined
and gray
so, i took another test today.
But shhhh, baby, shhhh
let’s not tell your dad
i buried the proof in the trash
i’m afraid he won’t understand
you see, they told us Friday
the truth is in the labs
you’re gone, goodbye, not viable-
something i refuse to grasp
so, i took another test today
because i have yet to bleed
at 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant
you’re the size of a tiny sesame seed
something so small and fragile
yet so immensely loved
you need to be cared for by your mom
or our Father up above
i refuse to give up on you
until i see it for myself
the loss of a life so desperately wanted
NEVER just “some cells”
2023 was going to be different
something fresh, new and alive
but here we are, baby m, here again—
I’m not sure how i’ll survive
i took another test today
and the faintest line appeared
but in my heart i know you’ll be gone soon
just like i’ve always feared
your death and your birth wrapped into one
tied neatly with a bow
will soon pass through my body
and, baby m, i just want you to know…
i took another test today
because i love you so
but God needs you more than me
so I have to let you go.
Yes, we snuck in another round of IVF in December, right before the holidays.
No, I haven't blogged about it.
Yes, I'll write about it in the future.
No, we're not pregnant.
Yes, we still need and appreciate your prayers.
No, we're not ready to give up our fight for a family.
See you soon, friends. ❤️