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dear baby m [i took another test today]

dear baby m,


i took another test today

to see if you’re really gone

because maybe the doctors and nurses…

maybe they got it wrong


i haven’t seen your exit

or physically felt the truth

they say my hCG decreased

but i need to see some proof


the days, they run together

i’m neither here nor there

the nights, they’re endless nothings

ensnared in desperate prayer


it’s ambiguous

indefinite

undefined

and gray


so, i took another test today.

 

But shhhh, baby, shhhh

let’s not tell your dad

i buried the proof in the trash

i’m afraid he won’t understand


you see, they told us Friday

the truth is in the labs

you’re gone, goodbye, not viable-

something i refuse to grasp


so, i took another test today

because i have yet to bleed

at 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant

you’re the size of a tiny sesame seed


something so small and fragile

yet so immensely loved

you need to be cared for by your mom

or our Father up above


i refuse to give up on you

until i see it for myself

the loss of a life so desperately wanted

NEVER just “some cells”


2023 was going to be different

something fresh, new and alive

but here we are, baby m, here again—

I’m not sure how i’ll survive


i took another test today

and the faintest line appeared

but in my heart i know you’ll be gone soon

just like i’ve always feared


your death and your birth wrapped into one

tied neatly with a bow

will soon pass through my body

and, baby m, i just want you to know…


i took another test today

because i love you so

but God needs you more than me

so I have to let you go.

 

Yes, we snuck in another round of IVF in December, right before the holidays.

No, I haven't blogged about it.

Yes, I'll write about it in the future.

No, we're not pregnant.

Yes, we still need and appreciate your prayers.

No, we're not ready to give up our fight for a family.


See you soon, friends. ❤️

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