It's been a little over a year since we found out Brian has Sertoli-Cell Only Syndrome and we will never be able to fulfill our life-long dream of biological children. That year was full of big decisions and many failed donor sperm IUI cycles. In all honesty, I've spent most of that year asking God the same questions over and over, like a song stuck on repeat:
Why us, God?
Why another failed cycle, God?
Why haven't you stepped in, God?
Where are you, God?
My faith has been tested in ways I never imagined possible.
I've been angry
I've felt completely alone
I've prayed, negotiated and questioned
Where are you, God?
I finally listened.
During church over Labor Day weekend, I finally listened. No, I'm not talking about listening to the sermon itself (we go to an amazing church and it would be hard to NOT listen!).
I listened to God. I listened to the message He wanted me to hear. For the first time in a long time, I let myself feel God's presence.
Before a song, the worship leader talked about how in times of sorrow, in times of need, in times of heartbreak...we look to God to make it all better. We ask him. We bargain with Him. We wonder where He is.
But then the worship leader asked, "What if you instead looked at all the things He IS doing in your life or situation?
With the big "Where are you, God?" question in mind, I imagined God leaning down, taking my face in His hands and whispering,
"Sweet child, I'm here. I never left.
When you struggle, I give you strength.
When you cry out, I dry your tears.
When your heart breaks, I hold you close.
I am the steadiness of the surgeon's hands.
I am the guide leading your infertility plan.
I am the hope that you and everyone around you holds onto.
Look for me in the kindness of the staff and nurses.
Look for me in the support from friends, family and strangers.
Look for me in perfectly timed messages, cards and comments that fill your heart at moments you need it most.
I'm in the medicine and the hormones.
I'm in the equipment and the tests and the procedures.
I'm in the science and the brains of your medical team.
When you weep, I weep with you.
When you write, I speak through you.
When you share your story, I make sure it reaches those who need it most.
Find me in the sunrise that holds promise to a new day and another chance.
Find me in your first sip of coffee that stills your heart and calms your mind.
Find me in the unconditional love and affection from your furbabies.
In the quiet, I'm there.
In the chaos, I'm there.
In the depression, anxiety and hopelessness––
I am there.
Sweet child, I am here. I am everywhere."
I know you're all wondering where we are in our journey. Have we started back up after our few-month hiatus? Are we still taking a break? Are we pregnant yet?
Check back soon for an update! 💜 We love you all!