• wannabe_mom

[IUI FAIL #4] The one that stings the most

I really thought this was the one.


I felt it in my gut.

Brian felt it, too.


I mean, we were thinking about taking a break this cycle, but there was something pulling us...something moving us forward.


Something telling us to keep going.


So we did.

Cycle tracking ✓

Ovulation meds (Femara) ✓

At-home ovulation kit ✓


It's early in the morning on Sunday, May 2. I jam the test trip into the ovulation kit until I hear it click––like I have done so many times. I did my business (aim is getting much better) and set the test on the bathroom counter.


I brush my teeth. Stick my contacts in. Go to the kitchen and make my cup of coffee. Pulled online church up on my laptop. Ready for a nice, easy Sunday morning.


Before I sat down, I went back to the bathroom to check the test. I wasn't expecting anything different than the last three months of no ovulation surge on my at-home test (why would I?!). And as you know, no positive ovulation on the at-home test means a lovely date with our friend Wanda (AKA transvaginal ultrasound to check the 'ol oves).


Imagine my surprise when I saw a big SMILEY FACE ☺ on the ovulation test! WOOHOO!! No Wanda for me this month! For once, something is going our way!

I shook Brian awake to tell him the great news! Then I called the on-call nurse to schedule my IUI for the next day. It was still early (oops!) so she didn't answer, but called me back shortly after to get me on the schedule.


I was on cloud nine. This HAS to be a good sign, right?!




IUI #4: May 3, 2021

Things were looking up. I was actually excited for this IUI. (Well, as excited as one can be knowing what was to come.)


THIS was going to be the ONE!


Let me paint the picture for you:

  • My bestie gave me a fertility goddess stone for Mother's Day so I clipped that to my shirt for extra luck

  • I had my mom's owl stone to hold onto since I didn't have my hubby's hand to hold

  • We prayed extra hard in the truck

  • I was sporting a new mask (hey, we gotta find joy in the small details)

  • Hubs was in the parking lot attending our appointment via FaceTime

  • The sperm numbers on this sample were FANTASTIC

  • My favorite nurse did the procedure


The pinch and the pressure from the speculum got me again. (Speculum: 3; Teri: 1.) You'd think I would be used to this by now! Other than that, the catheter went in well and the fourth vial of this donor sperm was now inside me, waiting to pick up an egg for date night.

Usually it's me with tears in my eyes during the IUI, but this time it was Brian. I don't typically focus on the phone since I have so much more I need to concentrate on, but when I looked up at him, I saw the tears.

This is really hard. And I am here to tell you that it does NOT get easier the more you do it.

Test Day: May 17, 2021


I'm just going to fast forward through the agonizing two week wait. That doesn't get better with time either.


It's all-consuming, ALL THE TIME.

It's Monday, May 17.


Today was supposed to be "Test Day" for Donor Sperm IUI #4.

It's been highlighted in my calendar, staring at me for the last two weeks.

But that won't be necessary.

Spotting yesterday led me to take a test,

praying for implantation bleeding.


It's not.


Aunt Flo made a very dramatic entrance this morning.

(Hate her.)


Today was supposed to be a "Positive Test" Day.

Instead, today is "Set up an appointment with the fertility doctor to discuss next steps" Day.

And, "Find a couples therapist who specializes in navigating infertility" Day.

Let's not forget, "Refill anxiety medication prescription" Day.

It's also, "Scream into a pillow" Day.

And, "Check bank account to see if we can afford a mini vacation" Day.

(we ALL know how badly I need that!)

It's also "Restock my tissue stash" Day

because I am running out of tissues to wipe my constant tear-filled eyes.

Later it turned into "Drink some wine" Day...

because, why not?


Today was supposed to be a day that brought unfathomable amounts of joy.


Instead, I feel all the feels. All the bad ones. All the ugly ones.


Defeated.

Frustrated.

Isolated.

Unworthy.

Sad.

Angry.

Hopeless.

Scared.

Crushed.


Why isn't this working?

Is there something wrong with me after all?

Well, friends. There you have it. We are pretty much all caught up to the present time (don't worry, I'll still write!).


We are NOT doing another round this cycle. We have an appointment with our doctor later this month to regroup and make a plan to move forward.


As always, your love, prayers and support are very much felt and very much appreciated. 💜

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