Readers' Note: This is a brutally honest look at the terrible attitude I've been carrying around for awhile. Don't take this post the wrong way––I know I am very blessed and I have a TON to be thankful for. At this moment in my life, the most important thing I want is the one thing I cannot have and cannot control. And that has put a little damper on my 'tude.
Attitude: the way you think and feel about someone or something; a feeling or way of thinking that affects a person's behavior
Baditude: a word I just made up about my current "bad attitude"
My attitude has been total CRAP lately.
I feel like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. "Could be worse," said Eeyore. "Not sure how, but it could be."
We often hear things like "You guys are handling this so well," or "You seem so put together even though you're going through this." It's definitely not always rainbows and butterflies over here and I just need to get that out of the way RIGHT NOW.
Most days, I'm not handling this very well. Most days, I don't have myself put together (like the usual put-together Teri you're used to).
Do I wear makeup daily? Not often (and if I do it's eye makeup and a little blush so I don't look like a zombie on video calls)
When's the last time I wore real pants? Ha! I'm afraid to put on any pants with a button due to the lovely weight gain that comes with infertility (hello hormones and emotional eating); on the plus side, I've increased my Zyia collection by about 350% ☺️
Do I do my hair? Most days, but it usually always ends up in a bun on top of my head (also, can I get a hallelujah for dry shampoo?)
So, most days my husband comes home to me sporting smeared eye-liner (which doesn't disguise the giant bags under my eyes), stretchy pants (which don't hide the extra pounds I've added), and a messy bun on top of my head (which highlights all the new gray hairs that have been added to my crown).
I'm pretty blessed that he loves me with my hair in a mess and thinks I'm beautiful without a trace of makeup on.
(bonus points if you know what country song the above words came from🤠)
"Attitude Is Everything"
I've always had glowing reviews of my attitude, all the way up through adulthood:
Parent-teacher conferences: "Teri's attitude is a breath of fresh air!"
Reference letters: "She always has a great attitude in everything she does."
College instructors: "I appreciate your positive attitude in class."
Performance reviews: "You bring a positive attitude and smile to every project and challenge."
You may (or may not😜) be surprised to find out that when I was a little girl (like, pretty young) I developed quite a sassy attitude. I can still remember my mom saying,
"TERI! LOSE the attitude!"
This Christmas photo illustrates my "baditude"perfectly. I was DONE taking pictures and I was NOT going to back down. I was tired.
That's kinda how I've been feeling lately. Like I want to put my head on the armrest of the chair and just BE DONE.
Let me be clear: I'm NOT giving up and I'm NOT backing down from the whole "let's start our family" thing.
I am just TIRED.
Tired of the negative pregnancy tests
Tired of cycle tracking
Tired of going to doctor appointments alone
Tired of the hormonal pills
Tired of COVID isolation
Tired of nurses putting all the things up my hoohah
Tired of worrying our donor is going to run out of sperm
Tired of having more bad days than good days
Mindset Adjustment
I've tried going on long walks (yay, let's get moving). I've tried gratitude journaling (hooray for the feel of sunshine on my face). I've tried intentional thinking, but I don't genuinely believe any of the things I am supposed to be forcing myself to think. I've turned to God, but in a "going through the motions" way.
None of it is working.
I've tried these things that are "supposed" to help, but it feels fake and dishonest. My attitude is still crap.
Here's the cold, hard truth that I somehow need to get through my thick skull:
The situation we are in (infertility + IUI failures + all the other stuff) is going to be the EXACT same regardless of my bad attitude OR a potential better mindset.
So why not choose the better mindset? Why is it so difficult for me to get there? Well, friends, that is what I am going to spend the next few weeks trying to discover.
I already can't wait to write another post and let you all know how I did what my mom told me and "lost the attitude!"
What do YOU do when your attitude is crap? How do you flip your mindset to be more positive? What ways do you cope with things that are totally out of your control?
I want to know. I truly want to know. Spam me with all the things that worked for you. Leave a comment on this post. DM me. Text me. Comment on social media. Send a telegram. 🤷♀️