We get knocked down...but we get up again...& again...& again...
Horrible '90s song.
Excellent analogy to my life.
If you missed my post on social media, here it is 🤪 It kind of gives an explanation as to where I've been lately!
Hi 👋 I just wanted to pop on here for a second and let you know all is well. . I’ve been sitting with a lot of thoughts and feelings lately and am having a hard time putting them into words. . Typically, writing flows pretty freely through my fingertips, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened up my laptop and closed it minutes later in frustration. . Luckily, writer’s block doesn’t last forever. I’ll be back…soon.
I've been taking some time to heal––both physically and mentally––plus have been experiencing some major writer's block. If you're a fellow writer, #youknow.
Get Knocked Down
Back to the horrible title of this blog post (plus, now I have that song on repeat in my head).
How would I describe trying to conceive (TTC) since 2018?
It's like being pummeled in the face by the same thing over and over and not having the ability to move out of the way.
I don't want you to take this the wrong way, because Brian and I live a very good life. We have great moments regardless of all we're going through and the pain we feel.
We spend time with friends and family.
We have the best fur babies in the world.
We both work hard for great companies and have managers who value our work.
Basically, we are DINKs: Double Income, No Kids
But we also feel empty.
This is not the way it's supposed to be.
There is a large (and very apparent) hole in our hearts.
We get triggered easily (by baby announcements, being around babies/kids, walking by the baby section at Target, and so much more).
We have days full of tears and depression and anger.
We go to therapy together to learn how to navigate these waters as a couple.
People ask us: Why don't you just adopt?
Here's why: Adoption isn't guaranteed either. It's also very expensive. And it's not something you "just" decide to do. We have a strong desire to carry a baby and experience pregnancy together. We want our child to at least carry my DNA. Adoption isn't out of the question, but it's not part of our equation right now.
If you've followed along in our journey, you know we've been knocked down.
Many, MANY times.
Here's a recap:
TTC since 2018 with no luck. Can you imagine thinking you're doing all the right things (scheduling sex around ovulation, tracking EVERYTHING, etc.) only to get your period EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH?
Spending most ALL of 2020 on a search to find out what the issue was in the midst of a global pandemic. Poked, prodded, test after test after test. Delays and not being able to be there for each other during some of these very invasive times due to COVID.
Learning that Brian has a very rare condition that causes him to not produce sperm.
Our collective dreams shattered that day in Iowa City. Absolutely shattered. Grief followed. A type of grief neither one of us has ever experienced. We learned how differently we each deal with things. It was rough.
Then we had to make important, life-changing decisions about next steps.
THEN we had to choose a sperm donor (I already CHOSE my husband....It is so not fair that I had to choose a complete stranger to be our child's biological father).
February 2021, IUI#1: Fail <hard>
March 2021, IUI#2: Fail <harder>
April 2021, IUI #3: Fail <hardest>
May 2021, IUI #4 Fail <mostest, horriblest, hardestest>
June 2021, Pixie the Polyp is found on my uterus. Surgery to remove her 3 days after she was discovered
We get knocked down....but we get back up again.
Because there is no other choice.
There is no alternative.
A life without children is not our life.
Infertility warriors are strong, resilient and total BADASSES. Shoutout to any infertility warriors who are reading this––my heart breaks with you. You are not alone.
Those who haven't been through it, cannot begin to imagine how badly it hurts the heart.
I'll try to update you this week on where we are in our journey :). Thanks for all the love and support––even after stepping away from the blog for a few weeks.