"I don't have buyer's remorse about our sperm purchase–just anxiety."
wannabe mom is built on a strong foundation of transparency and absolute realness. That's why we talk about these things here–anxiety, depression, Brian's testicles, purchasing someone else's sperm, the things you shouldn't say, broken hearts and so much more. These thoughts I'm sharing with you truly are "inner musings of a fertile wife."
I warned you at the beginning that some things we share here will be uncomfortable. And they have been. And they'll likely get even more uncomfortable as we continue on. But that's real life. What we're enduring is real, raw, and frankly––totally sucks.
I firmly believe that it is so SO important to #SpeakYourTruth, and speaking OUR truth in order to helps others is our #1 goal with this blog. We can't thank you enough for following our journey, reaching out with prayers, love and support, and sharing our blog with others.
You never know when someone is fighting a silent battle you know nothing about. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples, so I can almost guarantee you know someone who is struggling and feels alone in this journey. A simple "share" of our blog on social media could help that person feel a little less alone.
Just food for thought.
OK, let's get into the actual topic of the blog post now. Sorry, I got a little long-winded up there.🙃
So, here we are––it's January 11, 2021––one day after we chose a donor and spent $2,360 on two vials of sperm.
The excitement from choosing our donor only lasted about 12 hours for me.
Before you dive into this blog, please make sure you understand this: I do NOT have buyer's remorse from purchasing the donor sperm. I have come to terms with the fact that this is the only way to move forward and achieve our dream of becoming pregnant.
I just have anxiety about it.
I successfully worked myself into a full-blown TIZZY the day after we bought the sperm.
You guys, my thoughts began running absolutely wild. I know, I know, this is something I need to work on. I typically think the worst and SO wish I could change my frame of mind to think more positively.
I'm just not sure I can allow myself to get my hopes up only to have my heart shattered over and over again.
There's a verse in scripture about protecting your heart:
Proverbs 4:23––Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
It's like my anxiety and almost-obsessive way of thinking is a defense mechanism I use to guard my heart.
Still with me?
If I don't allow myself to get my hopes up, maybe my heart won't shatter to the extent that it would have if I HAD gotten my hopes up. I don't know, I'm no psychologist. But maybe, just MAYBE this has some truth to it?
If you know me well, you know I've been through a few shit-storms in my life. These storms have all shaped me into the person I am today––
A strong, tough SOB. 🤣💪
But also someone who makes it a priority to protect her heart.
In line with keeping this blog raw, I thought I'd give you an inside look at my brain after our sperm purchase.
Pro tip: Try to read this list as quickly as possible to get an accurate view inside my noggin.
What if the donor is a rapist?
Why isn’t that listed in the description?
Non-rapist. That would be easy to add.
Maybe he is a criminal.
Did he have to pass a background check to donate sperm?
Maybe he did and I didn’t research it enough.
That should also be posted in his profile. Non-criminal; clean background.
Maybe he is an abuser.
Maybe he abuses his wife and children.
Lord, I hope not.
What if he is a pedophile?
Has he ever done drugs?
What if he only SAYS he’s a Christian, but actually doesn’t even believe in God?
Why is sperm SOOOO expensive?
What if he runs out of sperm and we want to have another kid with the same donor.
This is a legit concern.
Why did it cost over $300 just to ship the sperm?
Don’t they understand we are struggling enough without all these extra costs?
I wonder how much it will cost to do the insemination.
My current insurance does not cover this.
How much is one round of IUI actually going to cost us?
How many times are we going to have to do it?
Should we have purchased more than two vials of sperm?
What if our future child ends up hating us when we tell them Brian is not their biological father?
You can't keep that a secret these days with all those ancestry tracing things AND we've obviously sharing our story publicly.
One day I'd like to share this blog with them––it is a part of their birth story, even before they were conceived!
What if they want to meet their bio-dad?
I think the donor we picked chose to NOT be able to be contacted EVER.
Will that break our child's heart?
What happens if the sperm gets lost in the mail?
What if the freezer breaks and all the little swimmers die?
Y'all. Can you imagine what a gem I was to be around during the week following our big purchase? Just ask my husband😁.
This is where my friends step in.
Somehow, a handful of my besties know exactly when I need a little pick-me-up. Whether it's a quick text just to let me know they're thinking of me, a phone call to talk about everything under the moon BESIDES our fertility journey or a surprise electronic Starbucks gift card, it's like they can read my mind from afar.
Early in the week after we bought our two vials of sperm, my dear friend Shelby sent me the most perfect little self-care package: a face steamer, spa face masks and a good book I hadn't read yet.
These gifts literally could not have arrived at a better time. Brian ran me a bubble bath and I soaked in the tub with a face mask on and read a bit of the book. Then I used the steamer on my face, and my stress and anxiety literally took a nose dive back to my normal baseline. I slept like a rock that night.
If you don't have a friend like Shelby, you need to get yourself one. She is truly one of the most genuine, selfless, caring people I am blessed to know!
I'm happy to report that I did move past all the "what if" anxieties of our donor sperm as described above.
And as a friendly reminder, this blog is not written in "real-time"––Brian and I decided we need to take time to process what we're going through before we can adequately put it into words and share with you. 😊
That said, you won't want to miss the upcoming post about our first IUI. It's a doozy.