“The opposite of happiness is hopelessness, an endless gray horizon of resignation and indifference. It’s the belief that everything is falling apart, so why do anything at all? Hopelessness is the root of anxiety, mental illness, and depression. It is the source of all misery.” -Mark Manson; Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope
I've been having a hard time lately. That's why I haven't been blogging as much as usual.
As a writer, it'd be easy to blame it on writer's block. But that would be a lie.
Between COVID and the absolute desperation to start our family, life has become really heavy.
By now, you know we're going to try the donor sperm route (I just haven't updated you on where we're at with it yet––you'll have to wait🙂).
So, since we've made a decision to move forward, I'm being extra cautious with COVID––like, wandering around Target used to be my go-to to get out of the house, but I'm not even doing that anymore in fear that I might catch the virus.
I mean, how horrible would it be if we got pregnant and then I got COVID... and due to the virus I lost the baby?
It's like my mind bought a one-way ticket to that thought. It might be overly exaggerated, but we have spent/are spending so much money on this that I am not about to take an unnecessary risk just to watch thousands of dollars along with all our hopes and dreams swirl down the drain. Coming from someone who has suffered from anxiety since at least the third grade, this shouldn't surprise you at all. It's the least I can do to try to make this work.
So instead of doing things that used to bring me a little relief from being in my house all day every day, I'm staying put. I consider myself very lucky to be able to work from home, but as humans, we crave connection.
And I'm missing that right now.
We have a very small bubble of people we can be around (ones who have already had the virus or have had their vaccines). And on the weekends, we go on drives just to get out of the house. So at least we have that (and our puppies).
I recently read something that said, "Women struggling with infertility have the same levels of anxiety and depression as women with cancer, heart disease and HIV."
At first, I didn't believe it so I looked it up.
It's true.
While it may seem like a surprising stat, I don't really think anyone should be shocked by it.
Infertility has the ability to negatively affect every aspect of a couple's life.
And, sometimes, I feel like it's ruining absolutely everything.
When you throw serious infertility issues on top of a global pandemic, you're bound to have a recipe for disaster.
Still, I rise.
Every day.
Because what else are we going to do?
We have no choice.
Giving up on our dreams of being parents is not even up for discussion.
We press on because we HAVE to.
There is simply no other option.