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COVID, Clomid & Contemplation

Quick recap: it's March 2020; second sperm sample still showed zero swimmers; Brian is prescribed Clomid and referred to a urologist; COVID-19 is about to wreak havoc in our lives

Good–now that you're all caught up, let's dive right in.


When we started telling our close friends and family about these results, most of them said something along the lines of:

  • "Are you sure they didn't say LOW sperm?"

  • "I've never even heard of someone having NO sperm."

  • "What?"

We were just as confused as everyone else. Like, how does this even happen? Do you mean to tell me he's shooting blanks? And, we thought we experienced a very early miscarriage last year–am I losing my mind? (More to come later on the miscarriage topic.)

I went where most people go for answers: Google.

My search history consisted of things like:

  • What does it mean when there's no sperm in your sample?

  • Can you still get pregnant if your partner doesn't have sperm?

  • How do you comfort your incredibly manly husband who may have male infertility?

And this super scientific Google search led me to health website after website talking about


Go ahead, say it out loud. It's one of those fun words that just rolls off the tongue.

According to WebMD, "Men who don’t have sperm in their semen have a condition called azoospermia. It happens to about 1% of all men and 15% of infertile men. There aren’t really any symptoms that you’d notice, but if you’ve been trying to get your partner pregnant without success, this condition could be the cause."

These articles I read told me there may be a blockage in the tubes that carry sperm or his sperm might be going to his bladder or his hormone levels just might be off. I had high hopes because the internet was telling me that many azoospermia causes were treatable and fertility could be restored.

Plus, Brian was taking Clomid and according to Healthline, Clomid can lead to an increase in testosterone and sperm count in men.


What the internet DIDN'T give me was tips on comforting my super manly husband who is going through infertility. What the internet DIDN'T give me was personal success stories of men and couples experiencing azoospermia.

In this moment, I needed more. I needed more than the science and doctor stuff. I needed to hear from someone like me who was in a similar situation.

Isn't it crazy that we have the whole world at our fingertips, yet we still feel so lonely at times?

And this is a huge reason why I started this blog and why Brian and I have been so transparent about our journey to parenthood. If we can help educate people on male infertility, touch someone's life with our story or make the next person doing these Google searches feel less lonely, the awkwardness that comes with talking about our innermost thoughts and experiences is totally worth it.


Our next plan of action was for Brian to be seen by a urologist. The urologist would do a thorough exam to check for injury and abnormalities. He may also order an MRI or ultrasound to check for blockages.

OK, great. Let's get in right away and get to the bottom of this. Brian had an appointment scheduled for the end of March––that's not too far away.



Ha! Just kidding. Brian's not going to see the urologist in March because all non-essential doctor's appointments have just been cancelled until further notice.

This means we've entered another waiting zone (recall from a previous post that this is what I call the long, lingering moments where time stood still during our journey).

Like the rest of the world, we didn't know what COVID meant for us. We didn't know how long we'd have to wait to continue down this road.

We were already in an unknown and unprecedented reality, but add COVID-19 to the mix and things just got a lot weirder.


There is a lot of information and feelings shared in this post. As always, if you have any thoughts or questions, feel free to drop me a comment below.


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